Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
