i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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