i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
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The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
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I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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