I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
