Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
