I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I cannot find my penis.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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