Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
