His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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