I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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