found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
