I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
