Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
