I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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