He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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