it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
