I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
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