Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
