I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
