Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
