I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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