Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
