Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
