My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I want to fling myself into the sun
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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