How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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