Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
