Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.