fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
