At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
