sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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