Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
