when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
