My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
