Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
