11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
