Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
