I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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