Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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