Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
