please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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