I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
