Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
