If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
