The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
