I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
