I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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