Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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