I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
