I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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