Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
