You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
