Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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