Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
