I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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