John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
