genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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