We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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