I think I died a long time ago.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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