Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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