and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
