capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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