i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
