dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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