Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Who died my cat blue again?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize