my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
