see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
