then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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