I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
