woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
