I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
4 words: hood of his car
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
